It takes more...

Another song that speaks to me: Jourdan Sparks- It Takes More

Tell me what happened this time
Made you come back again
I find out only see you when luck deserts you
If this is your idea of happiness
Then let's be clear
Those words of yours ain't working anymore

Cause I'm always giving
Here waiting while you're living
I need a new beginning
Oh, I'm not the girl I used to be with you

You think maybe that I'm just so easy
You can come in and out my life like you please
But baby no (uh-oh)
Don't you know it takes more
To keep a girl like me
No more waiting for you to change
Don't you know that you bringing flowers
Won't stop the rain baby no, no (uh-oh)
Don't you know it takes more
You're the only one not worth waiting for

I know you're busy so if you gotta go
Then go but don't forget to leave my heart
I stayed around for you but
You're no where to be found now
Once again here you are

I've settled for less
When I stayed with you but no more
Cause you aint worth waiting for, ooh, uuuuh

I really have changed, Im not that girl anymore and I wont settle for less now. Sorry you missed your chance and I really do hope one day you will realize what I was offering you. Those girls wont compare because I was offering more than just a hookup, I was a good friend to you but you threw it all for the option for more party girls. Superficial or what. No wonder everyone I talk to say they get a bad vibe from you. I really do deserve better than you. Heres to the next guy!

Tell me what you see when you look at me...

So welcome week isnt so welcoming I realized. I see all these people that were in my life last year on campus but I realized I dont have much to talk about with these people. I dont know if its because I have suddenly become unable to carry a conversation for too long, or if these people I thought were my friends, were actually accaintances? And thats when I realized, I really dont have that many friends. Well I have realized this a few times but still, everytime I realize it, it makes me more sad.

Ignorance is bliss...

I felt like I was in a movie or something. I mean ive been saying all summer that my life was pretty boring and uneventful but this is an event that I didn’t want to happen. My roomie said to better watch out because once school starts Im going to end up with drama I don’t want. Well school is just around the corner and its already starting.

I dont believe in the whole "I ended up with my childhood friend" love story. That's like ending up with your brother. HMM... um no thank you.

On another note:

Jennifer Chung- White Lies

What came so fast left as easily
Though we tried to work things carefully.
Intentions were good we had our fun
but for the best said that we were done

No one even knew what we were up to
But how could they understand what was me and you?
When I don't even know for sure myself.
This song is my cry for help.

You bruised my heart
Nothing's broken it's just done
of having careless complications,
teaching itself to become numb
It's afraid to feel
'Cause what it once thought was real
Was a false note prettied w/designs.
They were all just white lies.

I was never yours,
You were never mine.
When we met it wasn't right.
The stars never aligned.
It was time for you to go.
It was the middle of May
We both knew it was coming,

You were never meant to stay.

08.08.09

So I was on youtube and found a new song byMichelle Branch. I've always wondered where Michelle Branch disappeared to ever since "Goodbye to You" and "All You Wanted"
Michelle Branch- Sooner or Later

Lipstick, pretty face
And maybe you'll notice something
Different about me, different about me
Yeah you talk talk all you want
You pour your heart out
But you never do see, you never do see me

You, you never see me standing right in front of you....

....I'm your shoulder
I'm the quick drive over
Tryin to fix your stuff
Well I give up

I can't wait forever for you

Sooner or later
You're gonna come around
You'll be sorry
When you figure out
That I was always
Everything that you needed
Sooner or later
You're gonna wish you had me
Yeah you're gonna wish you had me

Oh you're gonna wish me back so bad, so bad
Oh well it's a little too late for that

And going back to my oldies :)
Heather Headley- I Wish I Wasn't

When you touch me my heart melts
And everything you did wrong I forget
So you play me and take advantage
Of the love that I feel for you
Why you wanna hurt me so bad
I believed in you thats why Im so mad
Now Im drowning in disappointment, and its hard for me to even look at you

I wish that you were home
Holding me tight in your arms ooh baby
I wish I could go back
To the day before we met and skip my regret

Said you care about me, but from what I see
I aint feeling that, so I disagree
Gave you all my love and understanding and you treated me like your enemy
So leave me alone, dont want nothing from you
Just go back where you came from this house is no longer your home
You can not never come no more...

...I hear you knocking at my door again
Im wondering should I let you in
I open up the door and see the flowers for me so beautiful in your hands
You start begging me to take you back,
Ive always been a sucker for romance
And before you know it I can see, youre all over me
Oh no here I go again

I wish I wasnt in love with you so you couldnt hurt me

I think in general, when you like someone, you want to believe that they will change. And you hear all these stories about how when a guy meets the right girl, they will change for her. Every girl wants to believe that they are the right girl, but you have to admit to yourself one day that you are not the right girl for every guy, just like how not every guy is the right guy for you. And like in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" says, those girls that change guys are the exception hence a lot of the time you are the rule, not the exception. So I guess this explains the whole going back to the scumbag phenomenon.

Also, I think that girls are blinded by the idea that material things reflect a guy's feelings as in the more he buys you, the more he cares about you. Or maybe this is actually the guy's way of showing that he is guilty for doing something? I mean buying you things is great but if he isn't spending that much time with you.... well lets just say if a guy cares for you he'll want to spend time with you. I was watching the Tyra Show and they were talking about Steve Harvey's new book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man which I think I talked about before. Even though I think that these self help dating books can also be a downfall to some women, Steve Harvey made an interesting point about a guy's way of showing he cares through the three P's. Profess, Provide and Protect. If he cares about you, by 6 months he'll have a title for you when he introduces you to other people. I think the book was targeted towards people in their late 20s and 30s as opposed to the college dating scene, so I think the 6 month rule is actually less than... But anyways thats besides the point; Its pretty true, he wants to mark his territory when hes introducing you to his guy friends by saying something like "This is my girlfriend/girl/wifey/baby... SOMETHING besides friends. Provide refers to money wise and time wise and protect is pretty self explanitory.

Steve Harvey also has this thing called the 90 day rule in which a guy cant recieve any benefits until he's still hanging around after 90 days and you still think hes a good guy. I think this is pretty good advice, because if he really is interested in you, he'll wait. Besides, you know the whole chasing thing? Imagine having to chase for 90 days, how good its going to be? Haha.

So theres only two and half weeks left until school starts... =l omg. Ok I have so much to do until school starts! :(

I had a lot of time to think this summer about my love life, social life, well I guess life in general. And I realized that I want to be more outgoing. There are so many things I haven't done experience wise that I feel like I havent done anything this year. I want to go hiking on the campus hills (the closest thing to hiking I got to was "hiking" to class and man some of those hikes were killer!!). I have a few other back to school resolutions but I talk about them all the time so it might reveal my identity :P

Well I'm going to go wash my troubles away :D

How depressing... or rather a buzzkill, if i was buzzed.

I know this picture is kinda random... but I get my pictures from picapp and I didnt like the "depressing" pictures so I searched for "upset" and saw this and just couldnt help but laugh.

Feeling depressed is... well depressing. But I think what is more depressing is someone who really is depressed and reaches out to you and you dont know what to do. After almost a year and a half of consoling a depressed person and just trying to be there to meet up and talk when he is in need, I honestly dont know what to do anymore. I feel really bad but I dread those conversations because it makes me feel like an ass when I complained about my problems to him. So yeah, I dont know what to do anymore. Sigh.

I was watching Paris Hilton BFF show and it is a total guilty pleasure because I really am against the idea of the show that she thinks she can find a bff through a contest, let alone one that is televised. But it made me think of my friendships/acquaintances. I need to learn how to develop my friendships more. I noticed I tend to pick a few new people to hang out with and then thats it. I gotta learn how to balance everyone. Like I said I have a lot of love to give, especially since that guy is out of my life and I'm not using/wasting all that energy/emotions.

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Fort minor- Where'd you go?

sigh. Another song that speaks out to me :D I love how my itunes is so psychic. I used to play this game with my best friend where we would ask a question or say a person and on shuffle, the song would tell us about our situation with that person or the answer to the question. :D

Life's a prison when you are in love alone...

Usher- can you help me. I just like this line.

I really like Usher songs but boy is he a douche; pardon my french.

Well... chicpea signing out at 3:55pm man I cant wait to move back to college to make these blogs more interesting haha :)

Bringing out the cook in me

So there's only a few more weeks left before I move into my apartment. There's a bittersweet feeling when I think about it. I'm excited to finally get out of the house and enter SOCIETY again. But I will not be excited to start cooking for myself.

My mom was trying to teach me how to cook today. She made me touch uncooked meat. Gross. And cleaning those zucchinis really seemed... dirty, if you know what I mean. then my mom started packing a box for me to bring to my apartment and then I started getting really nervous again. I'll probably be moving in after the 15th which is like pretty soon, which means school is pretty soon. Yeah that panicky feeling is back. :/ But after cooking dinner for my family and it being edible, I really got into the idea of cooking. I started making a long list of things I wanted my mom to teach me how to cook and started putting some cook books on hold at the library. :) I know I wont be cooking everyday but I am probably going to be like my mom and make a little menu. :D I'm also excited to cook with my roommates. Although in high school when we got together and cooked, we had some funny stories about how salty everything turned out, I think it is just more fun having someone there with you when you are cooking, either for the company or a helping hand. So I guess I am a little excited about finding a special someone I would want to cook for :) and boss around in the kitchen. hehe. Speaking of food, I'm really craving popcorn for some reason and I also have an urge to add chocolate in it. I want to make lemonade too, oh, and make some chocolate covered fruit. So yah when I was packing with my mom, I told her that there were some new knives in the drawer and I pulled one out and she said, "I dont want to give you that knife because..." then proceeds to make a jabbing motion. I couldnt help but laugh because being almost 20 years old, I think I can handle a pointy knife and besides my roommates and I dont run around holding knives. But I guess in her eyes, I'm still her little girl.

Til You Do Me Right- After 7 ft Baby Face

I was in love with you
And gave my heart to you
I did my best
To keep you satisfied

You took the love from me
And used it selfishly
You did not give back
Your love to me at all

I gave the sun to you
You said it was too bright
I gave you diamond rings
You said they didn't shine

I gave my world to you
But you said it's not enough
What in the world could I have done
To make you be so rough?

'Til you do me right
I don't even wanna talk to you
I don't even wanna hear
You speak my name

And 'til you do me right
Only wrong is gonna come to you
Nothin' good is gonna come
'Til you change, change your ways
Until you change your evil ways

Girl, I was there for you
Someone you could talk to
How could you just keep
Breakin' my heart?

What did I do to you
To make you be so cruel?
I don't understand
Why you've been so wrong

I tried to be your strength
You said I was too strong
I tried to compromise so
We could get along

I gave my love to you despite
Your evil ways
I guess it's clear to me there's only
One thing left to say

'Til you do me right
I don't even wanna talk to you

damn these oldies are speakin out to me :) I really do believe in karma, so all those times that I did wrong, I paid it back in something bad happening to me too. So even though I'm upset about the wrongdoings of others, I feel satisfied knowing that karma is going to bite them in the ass. Go ahead and call me evil for finding that satisfying. Like they say, karma's a bitch so watch yo back. :D

Walking in the Rain

I finally watched Pixar's UP today. Boy did the first 10 minutes make me cry. The scene where there was no talking and it showed the old man's love life was sooo sad. However, at the same, in today's society it is so unrealistic. I cant think of one person in my childhood that I could end up marrying. Haha. I probably talk to only a few people from elementary school and only one is a guy who I spent my life with a tolerate-annoyed relationship with.

I hope one day I can have that relationship with someone. Right now, my ideal relationship is to have someone who doesnt mind spending time with me. I mean little things like going to study at the library, staying home and watching a movie, cooking, trying out the local restaurants, and doing some of the things on my Things I Want To Do list. And even though a lot of these are things you can do with just a friend, there's something about having that physical attraction to someone too. Love is going out of your way to do something nice for someone else. I know what love is but I guess romance is love with the physical aspect of a relationship.

I'm still young and I think that in retrospect, all the times I get hurt relationship wise is in a way teaching me what I want in a partner and to not settle on certain characteristics of a person. Because I'm the type of person that doesnt learn until its too late, I learned my share of lessons and I'm sure there are many that I have yet to learn which means I have many more heartaches to come. Great.

Well the movie was a typical Disney/Pixar movie with a good guys and bad guys, black and white, either or motif. I kinda felt bad for the "bad guy". I mean he was like the old guy, he was fulfilling a lifelong mission, finding that damn emu thing. But instead of learning his lesson, he ended up just falling to his probable death like the bad guy in Mulan. Okay I dont remember whether he fell to his death, but nevertheless my memory tells me that he died. And yeah, I just realized that I either A)randomly compared it to any movie where the bad guy dies or B) I lost my train of thought because I have no idea why I just mentioned Mulan. Hah. Sorry.

So I'll leave with that snippet from my old school songs (this particular one is A1- Walking in the Rain). Btw, I don't go through my itunes looking for the perfect song to mention in my blog. Haha, because most of the time I dont even know the lyrics. I just go and write what I feel like and then BAM I actually listen to what I'm listening to (yah you heard me) and realize, "damn those are some good lyrics."

Feels like I'm walking in the rain
I find myself trying to wash away the pain
'Cause I need you give me some shelter, 'cause I'm fading away
And baby- I'm walking in the rain

Well, since its summer, I'll try to wash my pain away in the shower ;)

Actually when I shower I really do wash away some of my pain. Call me crazy but I talk out my pain, sometimes acting like I'm talking to the person that has hurt me. Sometimes I feel better and empowered and sometimes I end up crying and feeling worse. So bye, Im going to wash away my pain and hopefully start from scratch. :D

stalking can shed light

So its summer. Its Friday night. And I'm sitting here alone in my living room while the rest of my family sleeps and with nothing to do and no one to talk to, I turn to my trusty time consuming buddy, Facebook. I click on Friends, and browse some of the profiles of friends that have changed their profile pictures. Being the nosy person I am (although I prefer to call it just being observant), I am aware of when and where pictures were added. And I realized, I haven't done anything this summer. I spent the first month with family, the next six weeks on summer school, and now I'm in this limbo land where I don't have anything to do.

This is bad news because when I don't have anything to do, I tend to start reflecting on my life and then I get this funny feeling at the pit of my stomach. My sister claims that its anxiety because it runs in the family, and if it is, boy am I having an anxiety attack right now. I start to think about the upcoming rigorous school year, my stressful health concerns and what else, my social life.

I realized that since I've started college I've only made a few friends. And I'm not talking about facebook friends, I'm talking about those people that you contact when you find something funny/scary/exciting/sad/amusing online. Those people that you pour your heart to (being the melodramatic person I am). But I also realized I was lucky that I got to go to college with my best friends from college. Six people I know that will always have my back. That have grown up with me and seen me cry about the stress of school, boys, and just this thing we call life. And even though I feel like my social life hasnt really gotten anywhere this past year besides expanding the number of acquaintances, I wouldn't trade anything for the friends I have. (Oh Disney Channel, how you've warped my mind.)

This isnt to say I havent made a few close friends in college. Some people I cannot believe that I did not know existed until this past year. And some people I sadly kinda wish I didnt know existed. Hah.

College candy really is amazing. They wrote an article about the "sort-of" ex. And OMG I feel like they were preaching the choir! I totally felt like that this summer. I was/am hurt even though we weren't official, my feelings were not unofficial. I was faded (and I'm not talking about drugs because I dont mess with that stuff) I'm talking about someone disappearing off the face of the earth and hence from my life. Someone I really thought highly of despite what people said. One of the few new people that I really opened my heart to. I can't begin to explain the pain I feel and the relief of not having to live near him anymore. I get this daunting feeling every time I think about having to deal with the situation when I get back to school. And its weird that at the same time, I honestly dont want to deal with it. I've accepted that he's just shady and I dont want to hear reasons why he ignored me. When I see/hear updates on him, I gag a little in my mouth. And I am SO EXCITED TO SEE HIM NEXT YEAR ON CAMPUS. I hope you can hear my sarcasm through the computer screen (I've been really sarcastic lately, and my parents totally dont understand sarcasm). I feel like I'm a really good friend to the people I care about. I have this mothering nature about me and is always eager to help when I can. But this nature has really bit me in the ass. I feel used and abused, that I wasnt appreciated for all the times I've been there for him. Well I can say that things will be different this year because I've been hurt one to many times over someone I thought was worth the trouble but really, he isn't anything that special. I can go on and on about the injustices of my non-existent love life, but common I gotta save some for later ;)


I just want to be with people who I don't feel like I have to say anything to. It sounds so weird but I would be happy with just doing homework with someone in silence or doing our own things on our laptops. You know how sometimes when it's quiet and if feels really awkward and you just make something up just to talk? As opposed to the feeling where you realized that no one has spoken for the past 20 minutes but all you do is sit back and smile as someone looks back at you.

Wow, my itunes is totally playing late 90s slow jams. Oh slow jams, how have you really expressed how I feel when I'm feeling down. Well actually scratch that, songs in general. I really love music. I'm not a hardcore music lover like DJ-esque or remotely musically talented, but I like how expressive it is. How sometimes I can find a song that just sings the feelings in my soul. I recently discovered Jennifer Chung- Very Last Time. Here are a few lyrics:

What, what am I supposed to do with you?
Then again, you're really not the issue
It's a battle within myself
And I don't need your help
Why, why am I getting so confused?
The feeling's gone, I don't even like you
Then tell me why is it that sometimes
I can't look you in the eyes?

CHORUS:
You did me wrong
And you knew all along
That you weren't ready
But I'm holding steady
So I hope you hear this song
This is my goodbye
And no longer will I try
'Cause I'm leaving, and you've hurt me for the very last time

The very last time

How, how did I even get here?
This is the very place that I feared
In a position where I wonder if you cared for me at all
Who, who was it that made me believe
That you and I were supposed to be
Well it doesn't matter, 'cause in the end...

Well actually that is most of the song. I've listened to that on repeat every single day since I heard it. Another song I've been listening to since my first ever break up in high school and bring back every time I have boy problems is Dominique van Hulst- Don't Want To Be Your Friend.

I don't wanna see your face
I don't wanna hear your name
I don't wanna thing
Just stay away baby
Don't wanna know if you're alright
Or what you're doin' with your life
Don't wanna hear you say you'll just stay in touch baby
I'll get by just fine
And if you're goin' then darlin'
Goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't wanna be your friend

I'll forget we ever met
I'll forget I ever let
Ever let you into this heart of mine baby
You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
'Cause all I want is just to be free from you baby
Don't you come around
And say you still care about me
Just go now, go now

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't wanna be your friend


You take it casually, baby it's killing me
Goodbye, goodbye

Awesome lyrics, man, BEA-U-TI-FUL. -_-

I think I'll leave it at that for today.

P.s. did you guys know that there's a STALKING CHECK APP on facebook!? It claims that it tells you the ranking of people who view/comment your page. But after calming down and becoming anal about being discovered, I analyzing it and I think it's just based on recent comments, so rest assured, stalk on people, stalk on.