12.6.09

I feel like I'm stuck in this rut in between a crossing in the road of life. I dont know what to do and have so many conflicting thoughts. Selfishness and selflessness.

I would like to believe that I'm selfless most of the time but human nature is self driven, always looking out for number 1, so I question people's true intentions.

Despite being in the midst of final season, I've been in this rut that I've mentioned before. I cannot do any work and spend the day sleeping and depressed. Things just pile up and I end up making excuses to try to give myself more time, more motivation to do it later. I just want these two weeks to be over but at the same time I just want more time or put time on hold so I can just breathe and take it all in.

I hate losing people in my life, and the prospect of losing someone is even more daunting. I dont think I've ever been so weak in my whole life as I have been this past week. I let people see my vulnerable side, I saw that some people dont care about me as much as I thought they did, and I shut myself off from the world and just cried for hours. I think about the future and my heart drops to the pit of my stomach as I anticipate all the pain I have to be put through. Why does the higher power, whatever that may be, have to put so much on one person? I feel like every year I've gone through SOMETHING, and I cant help but wonder if my whole life is going to be like this. Haven't I paid my dues? What did I do in my past lives to deserve what I've gone through?

After opening up to some people, I thought that they'd rush to my rescue, that they would attempt to console me, but I was sadly disappointed. After refusing to open up to some new people in my life, but them sensing something was wrong, they just surrounded me as I silently cried. I opened up to them and ended up embarassingly sobbing and gasping for breadth as some of them even cried with me. It really hit me how I have to reevaluate the people in my life. And then there are those that I havent even talked to yet and even though I dont want to talk about it anymore, I feel bad that I do consider them my close friends but yet for some reason I didnt tell them yet.

I dont know what to think anymore, I'm numb with emotional pain. I went though so much in my life but just knowing that now I have to deal with possibly losing a loved one is SO painful I dont even care about the past. I regret saying things to him and I regret treating him the way I did before, I wish I was older so he wouldnt have to worry about me when he leaves. As I was sitting in the car with him, all he had to say was, " Dont worry about me, I'll be okay, I just want to see you grow up. I miss you." Hearing the pain in his voice and even now thinking about it hurts so bad. And knowing I'm not doing well in school right now and just the past of how in comparison to my sisters I feel like the family f-up, makes me feel SO guilty.

I just want to quit school and stay home.

Is it selfish to look at happy people on the street and just want to gag or throw something at them? Haha probably, I have an urge to throw sausages out the window at people like you do. keke. :D