I consider myself a pretty selfless person, or at least a considerate person so people tend to tell me that I need to do things to make myself happy, not to make others happy. As I am searching for this balance, I have to say I need to concentrate more on my studies. The way I will do this is by thinking about my dad. After he told me that all he wanted to do was see me graduate before he passes, makes me regret how much I neglected school this past semester to do things I thought would make me happy. So this upcoming semester is going to be really tough for me because I will start taking more and harder classes for my major, pledging, working, trying to maintain better relationships with my old friends, and try to come home more for my dad. That's a lot to do in one semester and I dont know how I am going to do it but I need to.
Sitting in that hospital waiting room made me realize that if I lost my dad, I wouldnt feel like I made him proud enough. That there were so many things I could have done better, not done at all. I just want to be an overall better person. Hopefully I can do this...
Oh Yeah, Merry Christmas everyone :)
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
12.17.09
I dont know if its because I've been hanging out with koreans like OD but I've been listening to TaeYang a lot more (the ONLY Kpop singer I listen to, actually make that the only foreign singer I listen to regularly) and I decided to check out the translation. One of my favorite songs Look at Me has a totally different meaning than I thought it originally had! :( I thought it was about how he wanted this girl to look at him because he <3 her.
IT’S BEEN ON MY MIND FOR A WHILE
GOT TO LET IT OUT FROM MY CHEST
BEFORE…IT’S TOO LATE
(I CAN’T LET YOU GO
YOU GOT TO LET HIM GO
I CAN’T LET YOU GO
YOU GOT TO…LISTEN)
Everytime i see you i smile
I’ve said it hundreds of times You’re the love of my life
In the world of lies, my burdened soul
I only believe in you
Sometimes you get anxious that my heart will change
I smiled and said nothing like that would happen
A never ending path, my empty heart
The only path i’ll take is yours
Sometimes i hate myself when i second guess myself
Today i wipe you away from my life again
Even if i cheat, dont ever cheat baby
Even if i forget you, dont ever forget me lady
Sometimes when i dont call and drink alcohol
By chance if i ever meet eyes with another girl, you only look at me.
You stayed up all night again and waited for me
You told me with your tears that you think my heart changed
But i said my feelings for you are still the same
All those nights we were together
I think it’ll be hard for me without you
Because of you, i find it hard to breathe
Endless struggle, long sighs
The only path i’ll take is yours
I hate that I’m starting to get tired of you
Without thinking, i forget you again
I know that i can’t make up my mind
In all of my meaningless time
Like this, I become dirty, baby
I want you to stay innocent forever
This is the truth, my belief in you
Even if you die, please don’t leave me
Oh HELLS no...
Back to listening to Wedding Dress....
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
12.15.09
Guilt. :(
Its been killing me. I want to do so many things for people but I just dont have enough time and energy to accommodate everyone.
I've changed since last year and I dont think its for the better and I dont know what to do to get back, if I even want to get back. I've done things this year that I would not condone last year. I'm even ashamed of some of it. -__-
I've lost in touch with people I care about and I feel so bad but I feel like dug myself in a hole and I cant get out.
My standards are lower, my expectations of myself and others are lower. I need time to rethink and get back to what I used to know, what I used to believe.
Maybe this life isnt for me.
Its been killing me. I want to do so many things for people but I just dont have enough time and energy to accommodate everyone.
I've changed since last year and I dont think its for the better and I dont know what to do to get back, if I even want to get back. I've done things this year that I would not condone last year. I'm even ashamed of some of it. -__-
I've lost in touch with people I care about and I feel so bad but I feel like dug myself in a hole and I cant get out.
My standards are lower, my expectations of myself and others are lower. I need time to rethink and get back to what I used to know, what I used to believe.
Maybe this life isnt for me.
Friday, December 11, 2009
12.11.09
Time is the most valuable thing to give and take from someone.
Selfishness and complaints at this time will make me turn into an ILL bitch.
I cant have anymore people disappoint me. Its sad that I hold lower expectations for people and they still dont uphold them.
Selfishness and complaints at this time will make me turn into an ILL bitch.
I cant have anymore people disappoint me. Its sad that I hold lower expectations for people and they still dont uphold them.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
12.6.09
I feel like I'm stuck in this rut in between a crossing in the road of life. I dont know what to do and have so many conflicting thoughts. Selfishness and selflessness.
I would like to believe that I'm selfless most of the time but human nature is self driven, always looking out for number 1, so I question people's true intentions.
Despite being in the midst of final season, I've been in this rut that I've mentioned before. I cannot do any work and spend the day sleeping and depressed. Things just pile up and I end up making excuses to try to give myself more time, more motivation to do it later. I just want these two weeks to be over but at the same time I just want more time or put time on hold so I can just breathe and take it all in.
I hate losing people in my life, and the prospect of losing someone is even more daunting. I dont think I've ever been so weak in my whole life as I have been this past week. I let people see my vulnerable side, I saw that some people dont care about me as much as I thought they did, and I shut myself off from the world and just cried for hours. I think about the future and my heart drops to the pit of my stomach as I anticipate all the pain I have to be put through. Why does the higher power, whatever that may be, have to put so much on one person? I feel like every year I've gone through SOMETHING, and I cant help but wonder if my whole life is going to be like this. Haven't I paid my dues? What did I do in my past lives to deserve what I've gone through?
After opening up to some people, I thought that they'd rush to my rescue, that they would attempt to console me, but I was sadly disappointed. After refusing to open up to some new people in my life, but them sensing something was wrong, they just surrounded me as I silently cried. I opened up to them and ended up embarassingly sobbing and gasping for breadth as some of them even cried with me. It really hit me how I have to reevaluate the people in my life. And then there are those that I havent even talked to yet and even though I dont want to talk about it anymore, I feel bad that I do consider them my close friends but yet for some reason I didnt tell them yet.
I dont know what to think anymore, I'm numb with emotional pain. I went though so much in my life but just knowing that now I have to deal with possibly losing a loved one is SO painful I dont even care about the past. I regret saying things to him and I regret treating him the way I did before, I wish I was older so he wouldnt have to worry about me when he leaves. As I was sitting in the car with him, all he had to say was, " Dont worry about me, I'll be okay, I just want to see you grow up. I miss you." Hearing the pain in his voice and even now thinking about it hurts so bad. And knowing I'm not doing well in school right now and just the past of how in comparison to my sisters I feel like the family f-up, makes me feel SO guilty.
I just want to quit school and stay home.
Is it selfish to look at happy people on the street and just want to gag or throw something at them? Haha probably, I have an urge to throw sausages out the window at people like you do. keke. :D
I would like to believe that I'm selfless most of the time but human nature is self driven, always looking out for number 1, so I question people's true intentions.
Despite being in the midst of final season, I've been in this rut that I've mentioned before. I cannot do any work and spend the day sleeping and depressed. Things just pile up and I end up making excuses to try to give myself more time, more motivation to do it later. I just want these two weeks to be over but at the same time I just want more time or put time on hold so I can just breathe and take it all in.
I hate losing people in my life, and the prospect of losing someone is even more daunting. I dont think I've ever been so weak in my whole life as I have been this past week. I let people see my vulnerable side, I saw that some people dont care about me as much as I thought they did, and I shut myself off from the world and just cried for hours. I think about the future and my heart drops to the pit of my stomach as I anticipate all the pain I have to be put through. Why does the higher power, whatever that may be, have to put so much on one person? I feel like every year I've gone through SOMETHING, and I cant help but wonder if my whole life is going to be like this. Haven't I paid my dues? What did I do in my past lives to deserve what I've gone through?
After opening up to some people, I thought that they'd rush to my rescue, that they would attempt to console me, but I was sadly disappointed. After refusing to open up to some new people in my life, but them sensing something was wrong, they just surrounded me as I silently cried. I opened up to them and ended up embarassingly sobbing and gasping for breadth as some of them even cried with me. It really hit me how I have to reevaluate the people in my life. And then there are those that I havent even talked to yet and even though I dont want to talk about it anymore, I feel bad that I do consider them my close friends but yet for some reason I didnt tell them yet.
I dont know what to think anymore, I'm numb with emotional pain. I went though so much in my life but just knowing that now I have to deal with possibly losing a loved one is SO painful I dont even care about the past. I regret saying things to him and I regret treating him the way I did before, I wish I was older so he wouldnt have to worry about me when he leaves. As I was sitting in the car with him, all he had to say was, " Dont worry about me, I'll be okay, I just want to see you grow up. I miss you." Hearing the pain in his voice and even now thinking about it hurts so bad. And knowing I'm not doing well in school right now and just the past of how in comparison to my sisters I feel like the family f-up, makes me feel SO guilty.
I just want to quit school and stay home.
Is it selfish to look at happy people on the street and just want to gag or throw something at them? Haha probably, I have an urge to throw sausages out the window at people like you do. keke. :D
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