So its summer. Its Friday night. And I'm sitting here alone in my living room while the rest of my family sleeps and with nothing to do and no one to talk to, I turn to my trusty time consuming buddy, Facebook. I click on Friends, and browse some of the profiles of friends that have changed their profile pictures. Being the nosy person I am (although I prefer to call it just being observant), I am aware of when and where pictures were added. And I realized, I haven't done anything this summer. I spent the first month with family, the next six weeks on summer school, and now I'm in this limbo land where I don't have anything to do.
This is bad news because when I don't have anything to do, I tend to start reflecting on my life and then I get this funny feeling at the pit of my stomach. My sister claims that its anxiety because it runs in the family, and if it is, boy am I having an anxiety attack right now. I start to think about the upcoming rigorous school year, my stressful health concerns and what else, my social life.
I realized that since I've started college I've only made a few friends. And I'm not talking about facebook friends, I'm talking about those people that you contact when you find something funny/scary/exciting/sad/amusing online. Those people that you pour your heart to (being the melodramatic person I am). But I also realized I was lucky that I got to go to college with my best friends from college. Six people I know that will always have my back. That have grown up with me and seen me cry about the stress of school, boys, and just this thing we call life. And even though I feel like my social life hasnt really gotten anywhere this past year besides expanding the number of acquaintances, I wouldn't trade anything for the friends I have. (Oh Disney Channel, how you've warped my mind.)
This isnt to say I havent made a few close friends in college. Some people I cannot believe that I did not know existed until this past year. And some people I sadly kinda wish I didnt know existed. Hah.
College candy really is amazing. They wrote an article about the "sort-of" ex. And OMG I feel like they were preaching the choir! I totally felt like that this summer. I was/am hurt even though we weren't official, my feelings were not unofficial. I was faded (and I'm not talking about drugs because I dont mess with that stuff) I'm talking about someone disappearing off the face of the earth and hence from my life. Someone I really thought highly of despite what people said. One of the few new people that I really opened my heart to. I can't begin to explain the pain I feel and the relief of not having to live near him anymore. I get this daunting feeling every time I think about having to deal with the situation when I get back to school. And its weird that at the same time, I honestly dont want to deal with it. I've accepted that he's just shady and I dont want to hear reasons why he ignored me. When I see/hear updates on him, I gag a little in my mouth. And I am SO EXCITED TO SEE HIM NEXT YEAR ON CAMPUS. I hope you can hear my sarcasm through the computer screen (I've been really sarcastic lately, and my parents totally dont understand sarcasm). I feel like I'm a really good friend to the people I care about. I have this mothering nature about me and is always eager to help when I can. But this nature has really bit me in the ass. I feel used and abused, that I wasnt appreciated for all the times I've been there for him. Well I can say that things will be different this year because I've been hurt one to many times over someone I thought was worth the trouble but really, he isn't anything that special. I can go on and on about the injustices of my non-existent love life, but common I gotta save some for later ;)
I just want to be with people who I don't feel like I have to say anything to. It sounds so weird but I would be happy with just doing homework with someone in silence or doing our own things on our laptops. You know how sometimes when it's quiet and if feels really awkward and you just make something up just to talk? As opposed to the feeling where you realized that no one has spoken for the past 20 minutes but all you do is sit back and smile as someone looks back at you.
Wow, my itunes is totally playing late 90s slow jams. Oh slow jams, how have you really expressed how I feel when I'm feeling down. Well actually scratch that, songs in general. I really love music. I'm not a hardcore music lover like DJ-esque or remotely musically talented, but I like how expressive it is. How sometimes I can find a song that just sings the feelings in my soul. I recently discovered Jennifer Chung- Very Last Time. Here are a few lyrics:
What, what am I supposed to do with you?
Then again, you're really not the issue
It's a battle within myself
And I don't need your help
Why, why am I getting so confused?
The feeling's gone, I don't even like you
Then tell me why is it that sometimes
I can't look you in the eyes?
CHORUS:
You did me wrong
And you knew all along
That you weren't ready
But I'm holding steady
So I hope you hear this song
This is my goodbye
And no longer will I try
'Cause I'm leaving, and you've hurt me for the very last time
The very last time
How, how did I even get here?
This is the very place that I feared
In a position where I wonder if you cared for me at all
Who, who was it that made me believe
That you and I were supposed to be
Well it doesn't matter, 'cause in the end...
Well actually that is most of the song. I've listened to that on repeat every single day since I heard it. Another song I've been listening to since my first ever break up in high school and bring back every time I have boy problems is Dominique van Hulst- Don't Want To Be Your Friend.
I don't wanna see your face
I don't wanna hear your name
I don't wanna thing
Just stay away baby
Don't wanna know if you're alright
Or what you're doin' with your life
Don't wanna hear you say you'll just stay in touch baby
I'll get by just fine
And if you're goin' then darlin'
Goodbye, goodbye
Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't wanna be your friend
I'll forget we ever met
I'll forget I ever let
Ever let you into this heart of mine baby
You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
'Cause all I want is just to be free from you baby
Don't you come around
And say you still care about me
Just go now, go now
Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't wanna be your friend
You take it casually, baby it's killing me
Goodbye, goodbye
Awesome lyrics, man, BEA-U-TI-FUL. -_-
I think I'll leave it at that for today.
P.s. did you guys know that there's a STALKING CHECK APP on facebook!? It claims that it tells you the ranking of people who view/comment your page. But after calming down and becoming anal about being discovered, I analyzing it and I think it's just based on recent comments, so rest assured, stalk on people, stalk on.
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